So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize