i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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