you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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