remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
3pm strippers are depressing
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
