why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
