do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
