So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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