Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
