Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
