well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
