ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
