I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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