glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
if only i could text you this smell
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
