peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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