wanna go halves on a baby?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
