So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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