I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
