Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
