look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
