He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
