I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
