3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
