i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
