i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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