call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
