My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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