I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
