Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
