just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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