I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
