no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
