Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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