Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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