I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
