my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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