When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
