I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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