all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
