Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Two words: nipple clamps
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