The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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