Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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