If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My hand turned me down
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize