When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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