she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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