chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
