i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
