id be glad to
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
