Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
