so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
