True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
