yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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