theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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