Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
