I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
