it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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