i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
