Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
