just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
How naked do you want me to be?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
