I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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