Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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