dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
